I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
