Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
