Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
