so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
