I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
