he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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