1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
