i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
