Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
