im six kinds of drunk right now
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
