hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
