i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
