we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
