Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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