I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
