I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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