At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
