Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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