So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
