I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
