I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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