I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
