Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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