Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
