"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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