Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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