I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We need to get me chipped asap
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
