she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
