a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
