its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
