I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
