she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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