I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
