You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
