Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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