she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
