It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
