At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
