She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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