My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
