Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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