So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
