I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
