Dude my mom stole all your condoms
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
