I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
