my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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