just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
