I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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