and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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