Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
