What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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