The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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