We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
