Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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