Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
