I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
