Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
