there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
