Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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