I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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